after nursing one bad ass tequila hangover all day today (a result of an unfortunately timely and really odd blackout) i watched the rest of the current season of "weeds" with greg and benson. the season finale was a complete "u-turn" from the last one, instead of guns cocked and tempers blazing, there were real fires and a lot of life contemplation.

and driving home through the calabasas mountains and looking out over all the lights of all the little houses on the hillsides that all look just the same, there's a lot of similar contemplation going on in my head too.

i'm not sure i'm going to come to terms with the fact that this is the last time i'll really be home. the next time i see this place i'll be out of school, probably working in new york, and i won't have any more summer, or winter, or spring breaks to come home for. does that mean i'll no longer be coming back and picking up these friendships again, just like the last time? or will this continue on... or eventually phase itself out...? there are a lot of people here i don't see anymore with whom i've spent amazing times with, which i cherish dearly for when and what it was worth. and then there are others whom i'm not ready to let go of yet, if ever. whom i would spend the rest of my life wishing we had been closer if only for it to be for longer. there are the empty promises of oh we'll keep in touch and oh i'll come visit, but we're busy with our more present and geographically more accessible lives and these things don't happen.

and it makes me sad, the friends i lose as i move on.